Toilet Calendars

Just 5 minutes ago I was taking a pee in my parents bathroom. When I looked straight ahead I noticed a relaxation of my anus so, why not shitting is for free, I took a dump too. Where did this relaxation of my rear muscles originate from you're wondering? Well... I was looking at a picture of some Australian desert. And no my parents aren't huge fans of Australia, like all the dutch they just keep a calendar in the bathroom. Which (this year) is one with pictures of Australian landmarks. I never thought of this 'calendar keeping' as something strange but suddenly it seemed weird and I thought: is this something typical dutch or do others ethnicities do the same? Well I checked with Lithuanians, Portuguese, English and Americans (or at least people who know something about the toilets in those countries) and it turns out they've never seen it before. Isn't that strange?

In Holland it's almost standard to have a calendar of some sort in the toilet. They come in all sizes and sorts: cartoons, 3th world countries, landscapes, advice for more successful living etc. The most popular ones among students might be the 'scheurkalenders' which means something like tearing calendar. You can rip of a page each day. This, of course, doesn't prevent you from flipping forward to find a funny one. These type of calendars coexist in all varieties. There's the globalization scheurkalender (funny since i bet i doesn't exist in french, english and russian), the beer scheurkalender, the (anti beer)healthy advice scheurkalender and of course the Buddhist (crappy remarks) scheurkalender since taking a shit might not be refreshing enough! And why are so many of them semi-funny? What's wrong with some serious shit when you're taking a shit? I'm sure it's the same type of calendars other cultures use on desks or in the kitchen.

So now i wonder: why is there a freakin' calendar in the toilet. What's the use? Through these calendars I have access to a huge database of all the birthdays of all the friends of the people in which toilet I ever left a present. But why? Is it a deviant way for people to show how much friends they have? Or is it a way for them to take a piss at you by not putting your birthday on there? But most of all I can't stop to think why I have to be reminded of time when I'm trying to relax and do what I do best: shitting. I can't concentrate looking at all those dates, thinking how little time I have to do everything society wants me to do. Specially with those calendars that show one month a page... you start flipping them and before you know it the year is over.

Why isn't there something more interesting to read in the bathroom? Sure some people have comics in there, but they usually reek of piss. I know they did at my old house. We used to have some 'funny' news articles too, but since I take a dump twice a day and a piss at least four times it wouldn't take long before I'd read them all. When I first moved out of my parents house there was a plan to put a laptop or tv in the toilet so you could surf for the news or anything else that would get the juices flowing. It's just one of the many dreams that will never be realized. Just like peanut butter and jam together in one pot or cucumbers that grow with brie already inside...

Anyways... the problem might be that a visit to the toilet takes you about 1 minute through 10 so that's not enough to really get anything constructive started. Sudoku, relative theories and blunts take too long to make and reading a calendar or a funny article usually don't last long enough. The best plan yet might still be a chessboard, but the easiest solution to this problem might be waiting: if you live long enough you might just shit where ever you want and just not care any more, about shit and time. You would have to get old pretty fast though, rather yesterday than tomorrow, since the jews have already build a 'artificial anal sphincter'. (click on the turd to read more)

ps. Be sure to check out the rest of poopreport.com since it's hilarious.